OurLadyJ

pigtails

no one at work seems to like the pigtails

guess i’ll wear my hair down

life is that simple right now

saturday night

when i was a child, no one questioned it

i was a girl

until i learned to hide it

but now, it’s coming back

living the way that used to be so natural

and the kids are noticing again

in class, two days in a row the kids told me they thought i was a girl,

and i was actually presenting as “boy”

they acted grossed out

this could be tricky

a day for days

i tried giving up caffeine a few days ago

i had a 24 fever that scared me a bit

should call my doctor

but i see him so much as it is

i get bored

so i thought maybe i’ll give up caffeine

i drink so much coffee, it can’t be good

but then i get so depressed

i’d rather vibrate and bounce off the city’s skyscrapers

then sit in an ashram and vibrate through nom yo ho re ge kyo

for now, that is

but today the coffee in the office is so good

and i don’t have to teach the kids

so being tweeked out is working

plus i’m on my way to the moma

and i think i should match the insanity that i’ll see on the walls there

meeting paul

a man of good taste

where have they all gone

out west, i guess

up to alaska and such

but he’s open to good music and new vibrations

so a museum partner we go

i hope he’s caffeinated, too

Entry for September 20, 2006

just released by ny dept of health, 2005:

31 percent of HIV patients died because of substance abuse, close to 24 percent died of cardiovascular disease and 20 percent died of cancer unrelated to the virus

and that’s a good thing

a student asked me today

without any hint of taunting

“r u a boy or a girl?”

and i hesitated

my first procedure

i went out to LI yesterday to get my beard lazered off

the first of 5-8 sessions. it was more painful than i had expected.

i sat there in the chair thinking “oh god i don’t want to be a transexual anymore”

but who does?

so i’m trying to fix it. the first of many procedures

i’ll go in for the remaining sessions

and try not to scream and pout.

i wish someone would’ve spotted my gender dysphoria before my body started distributing hormones all on it’s own. that way, the dr’s could’ve treated me at age 13, avoiding a second round of puberty as an adult. if anyone had thought to ask me, i would’ve joined the tittied tribe long ago.

but really, i guess… they did spot it and in their own way tried to fix it. they sent me to a counselor and a preacher and lots of sunday school teachers, who all told me over and over that i was indeed a boy. just be a boy.

difficult words to hear for a girl.

and so consciously, this time, i tell them

lazer away!

ifilm.com

watching an interrogation online of a 22 year-old iraqi

he described the death of a policeman

they beheaded him, and then sewed explosives inside his body

when they returned the body to the town square

his family and fellow officers came to collect it

and then they blew the body up

killing everyone around

and my 23 year-old brother will be joining this absurdity soon

like a video game

killing killing got to kill

it’s all so unreal

like a video game

blowing people up

winning points and dollars and respect

from the ones who taught us how to fight

like a video game

programmed

programmed

thoughtless, mindless, careless, heartless, hateful

programmed programmed

we’re coming undone

holy

lord flies

into the smallest cracks

and ruins the

compulsions

of every move

ma vie en rose

seems to be the cry

that remembers

what those rules

and restrictions

used to be like

and so advice

of sister

is most healing

leaving lord behind

in the smallest cracks

for those who

truly

need it

thin

on the news, they were questioning whether super-models were to blame for anorexia or not

susan sontag has an interesting theory in her book ‘illness as metaphor’

she points out that the ‘thin’ look started at the same time as the romanticism of tuberculosis

their cheeks were rosy and their bodies thin

are we still in love with this death look?