OurLadyJ

it’s a big town

In china town

Teaching kids musical theatre

This morning

A kid says to me

You’re a girl

Defiantly, like she really wanted me to know

And I wanted to say

Like, duh

Except I’m the teacher

So I just pretend I don’t hear her

Almost everyday

A child asks me if I’m a boy or a girl

And I’m reminded of my childhood

The same question over and over

From others

From myself

I usually tell them that I’m a boy

And it kills me every time.

I ate a piece of fried chicken (ughhh)

From a vendor on canal street

And then I noticed it wasn’t shaped like a chicken leg

Or a wing

Or a thigh, or a breast

And then I saw turtles and toads smothering each other

In buckets of water being sold by merchants

And remembered I’m not in Kansas anymore

So now I’m at quest diagnostics

Waiting to get my blood taken

In Chinatown, I should have gone to midtown

The people working here are screaming at each other

And the open window is bringing the outside chaos inside

My head is aching

I just want my labs done.

I hope it was duck

God, let it be fried duck

workin’ it

how to save the world and find true love in 90 minutes

entering our 4th week of performances

getting tighter

showing up to work

is easy

surrounded by amazing people

makes the exhaustion livable

when the coffee runs out

takes my mind away from things

for 90 minutes

what the f

reading the advocate

reminding me

dec 1 = world aids day

and i keep hopping at whether or not to include

my status in my show

i don’t want to be pitied

but i don’t want to hide

my rage

at the virus

and all that it has meant to me

john was in town, so we met up

and acted like the silly girls that we are

the pic is so ridic

he reminds me to not be afraid

to ACTUP

and rage against the church that tried/tries to

hold us down

kill us, even

a reminder

dec 1 is a day for us all

Entry for November 25, 2006

in the middle of self-promo hell

if i have to post another myspace comment

i’m going to kill myself

the show is coming along well.

i’m fortunate enough to be working with brilliance…

i need a nap

for stephen

just finished writing out my book

orchestrations for my sub

tomorrow’s show

i’m nervous

but i’m sure he’ll be fine

my show is getting jealous

no time for it until tomorrow

this is what tired looks like

really really tired

nothing new

decompressing hasn’t happened for awhile

blogging used to be

but too busy

this is for stephen

who appreciates the decompression

oh

my shrink says he’ll write the letter whenever i need it

no need to see someone else

i’ve shown him enough

and

this makes me very happy

but must sleep before i celebrate

g’nite

to bra or not to bra

my shrink wants me to see a pyschiatrist

before he writes a letter for me

to give to my doctor

so that i may start hormones

gender identity disorder

such a cruel name to be given

to my puberty

but the crisis is over

the acceptance of my womanhood ended that

and now i’m growing impatient

breathe, lady.

you’ll have your body soon enough.

but, i want to enjoy the beauty

of being a YOUNG woman

soon enough

a surprise two nights ago

i found this pic in a magazine

and started crying

like, ridiculously bawling.

i thought of my mother

i thought of my hiv

she has no idea

nor would she be able to handle it

it would be her punishment

and nothing to do with me

i would turn into her caretaker

which i have no desire to do

so, i pictured madonna preparing a child’s pill cocktail

placing pills in their daily containers

and for a moment, i wished that my mother would prepare my daily regimine

of pills, powders, & supplements

becoming a child again is so easy sometimes

a mother who cares for an hiv+ child

is rarer than one thinks

long day

eight oh five

long day

going until eleven

since eight thirty this morning (teaching)

then

tech rehearsal for

“how to save the world…”

yesterday

we took the kids to see the lion king

and immediately they wanted to know more

in class today

they were eager to learn

after seeing on stage

how colorful life can be

and so i’m at the theatre now myself

working give my own dimension

and color

in my own little way

i’m exhausted

am i even making sense?