OurLadyJ

*

*

again

mt. sinai again

this time

questions, only

4.5 hours of questions

seriously driving me crazy

tests, iq and such

hoping they’ll find the genius

laugh

but really

about my past

they want to know

everything

so i give them the info

and it brings me back

suicidal 12 year old

depressed 19 year old

happy 28 year old

content 28 year old

trying to see a pattern

worrying

seeing a pattern

but the patterns don’t hold a light to free will

or do they

just a series of patterns

am i

thinking

answering 4.5 hours of questions

want to leave so badly

headache

asking the dr to leave the room

so i can cry

and i do

and i leave this world

and i am alone

gratefully

a familiar pattern

and he comes back with lunch

and i don’t trust him

but i answer

and answer

until it’s over

and then i’m a number again

trying to figure this fucker out

enter the world again

back to work

gotta pay the rent

teach

something, i’ve learned

enter the world again

here’s to the ladies who lunch

yesterday afternoon

coffee

mimosas

poached eggs and salmon

the cutest couple

must figure out

how to brunch

all day

every day

Sunday night

This is what the lady looks like

when she’s being stood up.

spinal tap

mount sinai

entering a study

hiv and the brain

questions 9am

blood tests 10am

results 1230pm

spinal tap 130pm

apple juice 2pm

woody allen film in my hospital room 215pm

home by 345pm

i hope my body juices will contribute to figuring this fucker out

plucking it from the list of difficulties for the future

the tap wasn’t as bad as people say it is

just a little unnerving (pun intended)

my spinal fluid is beautiful

as the nurse showed me the tubes

clear as water

heavy as gin

Just because

because the photo of myself when i was 13 makes me cringe

a new photo to clear the palate

narcissism or self defense?

i will expatiate no more

happiness is

reborn

i woke up angry at the christians again this morning.

listening to the end of the world. tavener. mahler.

needed a pic. bible camp.

summer of 92. almost 14. reborn.

another name. enlisted as a missionary to my high school

i had not yet started.

embarrassed by the body that wasn’t mine.

wrapping my mind around an escape.

found one. took it. afraid. but desperate.

i can’t stop laughing looking at this pic.

a bit nervous.

not into hiding the boy i once was.

hating it all the same. not him. it.

loving the ridiculousness. thriving on the ridiculous.

my joy. my juvenile contentedness with anarchy.

a great reason to wake up. find tavener. mahler.