OurLadyJ

mary poppins

just got back from mary poppins

on the b’way

took me back to my obsession with her

as a child

she is a wonderful ghost

‘anything can happen, if you let it’

i still carry that with me

on the train ride home

2 men started fighting

a serious brawl

and another man wearing alien antennas

whipped out a saxophone

and accompanied the madness

blowing all sorts of noise

quite brilliantly

early today

i used the men’s room at school

and the kids started yelling to their teacher

’she’s using the boy’s room, she’s in the wrong room!’

anything can happen, if you let it

a new skin

my touch has changed so much in the past couple of months

having broken my fast from human contact,

i’m finding that i am completely and absurdly ticklish.

the estrogen is softening my skin

and every inch has gained a new sensitivity.

it’s so nice to be exploring this new body

with a woman.

she is quite divine.

Entry for March 24, 2007

what to do when everything is going right

and past times are healing

and long times are short…

watch, look and listen

to the way that things are.

and placements- they are the way that i’ve always imagined.

gracious, grateful & grinning,

the world is an easy place right now.

and i, seriously, am amazed.

my mother

i so rarely write about her

but my friends get an earful

her 50th b-day is in may

and my presense has been requested.

grrrh.

i haven’t decided if i will be attending,

though my don’t-eat-rat-poison-instinct says ‘no.’

it’s funny

i can’t figure out if i love everything that she hates

or if she hates everything that i love.

grrrh.

myspace

how many times can one log into myspace

it’s a compulsion

click myspace bookmark tab

check aol

click tab again

check citibank

click tab again

check weather

click tab again

check broadwayworld (shut up)

i’ve got a problem, i know

compulsive behavior rules my life

1,2,4,8,16,32,64,128,256,512,1024,2048,4096

it’s so much fun!

and kind of insane and kind of ridiculous.

i think it has something to do with faithlessness.

i don’t believe in jack shit, so i replace that void with numbers

and rules, and lines, and order, and precision.

it’s obvious that i need jesus.

a long time

a message yesterday

from a ghost

inspired me to find this picture

i’d forgotten what i looked like

when the shit hit the fan…

this is how he must remember me.

he witnessed the education of my humanity.

learning of our mortality should be a private moment

shared only with the electric few

those charges that never demagnetize,

the charges that are strengthened with time

i’m surprised to find that the hate is no longer in me,

a relief, really. a huge fucking relief.

locker room, wha?

the gym, lockers, men/women

i use the men’s

only because i have no breasts

and the gonads are definitely there.

yesterday, a man watched my silhouette

as i showered

hungry for contact i suppose

it annoyed me

(although i would have enjoyed it at one time)

but now, i watch them

as their muscles glisten (still delicious)

and i wonder why we shy at the display of our phalli.

all in complete silence.

women talk and walk around nude, seemingly unashamed.

in the public bathrooms

they laugh and entertain each other

even while they shit,

so completely opposite of the men and their awkward silence.

will the women accept my male-body into their womb-tribe?

i’ll find out next time i’m at the gym.

4 barbie

tonight, a memorial service for morgan.

the last time i saw him was at bergdorf’s for lunch.

the aids plague.

something in common i see, besides complete and utter fabulousness.

grief can be a reminder to live,

and yes, i am.