OurLadyJ

true colors tour

last week

my kids, the choir

with ro and cyn

backstage at radio city

i was so happy to be there with them.

today

i went to my doctor

to tell him i was leaving him for another man

his services were inadequate for a woman of my needs.

and then i saw my new doctor

who seemed much more experienced

and capable of handling my complex situation.

i love doctors, seriously.

i have 6 of them.

my general practitioner

my endocrinologist

my gastroenterologist

my ophthalmologist

my dermatologist

and my shrink.

i call them ‘team jonnah’

and marvel over their ability to keep this lady going.

without them, i would be dead. literally.

why does this make me think

that i sound like liza minelli?

anyhoo.

visit www.doeshivlooklikeme.org

it’s my latest obsession.

seriously?

my mother sent me an article from this site

help4families.com

feel free to hack into it and post naked tranny pics

i looked up the book the site author talks about

the masculine soul

and found that on amazon,

Customers who bought this item also bought

No More Christian Nice Guy: When Being Nice–Instead of Good–Hurts Men, Women And Children

The Church Impotent: The Feminization of Christianity

Crisis In Masculinity

and

A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality

wow.

mirrors and such

i remember the first day of junior high

everyone came back from summer break

different people with different rituals

the girls- makeup and fancy hairdos

the boys- messy clothes and ball hats

everybody cursed

i felt like i had missed the memo to change

being on the farm in a village of 200 people

no neighbor kids nearby

(except shawn, who smoked- he wasn’t allowed around)

so i tried to change

i heard the girls bragging about how long they had spent in the bathroom

45 minutes, 2 hours

i locked the door

not much to do with my buzz haircut

try hairspray, try gel

try wrapping a towel around my head

another around my body

adjusting my fat to look like cleavage

a woman, kissing the mirror.

once, i forgot to lock the door

‘do you think you’re pretty or something?’

no, mom. i don’t

‘you’re strange’

i already knew

so i learned to be quick

messy hair and crusty eyes

abandoning the mirror,

adopting the gender-less potty-mouth

i even stopped showering,

if only my body didn’t exist.

fast forward 17 years–

i’m late for work today

forgetting that the woman-tribe needs more time

back in front of the mirror

learning to do what i should have learned to do in the 6th grade.

these little habits are tricky to break,

even as hard as they were to make.

the edge

my mother just sent me this:

“I wish that there could have been an alternative way, but there wasn’t in 1975. If there was a drug that I could have taken that would have reduced the pressure, I would have been better off staying the way I was — a totally intact person. I know deep down that I’m a second-class woman. I get a lot of inquiries from would-be transsexuals, but I don’t want anyone to hold me out as an example to follow. Today there are better choices, including medication, for dealing with the compulsion to crossdress and the depression that comes from gender confusion. As far as being fulfilled as a woman, I’m not as fulfilled as I dreamed of being. I get a lot of letters from people who are considering having this operation…and I discourage them all.” - Renée Richards, “The Liason Legacy”, Tennis Magazine, March 1999.

thank god my mama is back

this new identity of her being an accepting and encouraging mother was weirding me out.

i felt like an alien had abducted her.

and so my energy has returned: i feel great,

i’ve grown used to the energy of defense-

relying on its adrenaline to send me into the world everyday.

but ever since the visit when she embraced me, i’ve felt very tired.

it’s good to be home and full of fury.

yesterday

my co-workers had an ‘it’s a girl’ celebration

at our staff meeting

after i announced that tuesday would be my first day

full-time, as a woman

pink cupcakes and all

everyone applauded,

it felt silly and wonderful.

i’m very lucky.