OurLadyJ

reading ‘year of magical thinking’…

joan didion’s grief reminded me of my own,

one i didn’t understand 3 years ago.

There was a magnificent fear standing next to this grief,

making the sadness even more difficult to swallow.

I wasn’t grieving the death of a person.

I was grieving my youth, my carelessness & my immortality.
When I woke up on October 1st 2004 to an empty bed,

an empty bank account, a handful of fickle relationships and an HIV diagnosis,

The cloud that was my youth had been blown away by the winds of consequence,

baring the blinding light of a new reality.

I attended this funeral alone,

Having no way of understanding who I was mourning.

But now I see it was the death of a boy,

and the birth of a woman…

i don’t care!

college for lgbtq youth

1998, dallas. SMU

a man is screaming

faggot

he gets closer

in my face

queer

he gears his fist back to take a swing

and i run.

as i’m running

i’m thinking that perhaps i deserve this.

perhaps when i’m in line at papa john’s,

i deserve death threats.

perhaps when i’m in the parking lot of wal-mart,

i deserve bottles being thrown at me.

perhaps when i’m visiting my family,

i deserve being locked out of their car and left behind.

so much screaming. from strangers to family.

so much hatred for what i was growing up to be.

because i was queer,

because i defined my own happiness.

i found ways to escape my attackers, but eventually i failed out of college.

the monsters i was running from at night were my classmates by day.

concentration was impossible. drinking was easier than studying.

the professor’s words went into my ears, but nothing stuck.

i told everyone that i was quitting school,

but in fact i had my scholarships removed for my low grades.
thank god i had my piano. it got me to new york and it gave me the career that i have.

in new york, with the safety of a supportive environment, my learning began.

i learned to surround myself with love and to shut out the people who didn’t support me.

i learned to fight back when being attacked.

i learned that i didn’t deserve the chasing, the harassment,

the day to day degradation.

this was my college- the streets!
work it out, brothers and sisters. do what you have to do to learn to survive.

strange city

work it out, christine

yes we can

my day today