i tilted back my head

during the debut of my newest composition ‘psalm’

and i disappeared

along with the original lyrics of the song.

but out came even more beautiful lyrics

lyrics i had never heard nor rehearsed before,

and i was reminded how exhilarating it feels

to channel.

whatever it was, it was powerful

and it left me blessed.

in my pocket, there’s a tissue

full of face-paint. wiped off during therapy 2nite.

the river wouldn’t stop. 75min of going thru it.

feeling stuck.

hiv. hiv. hiv.

it takes up so much emotional space,

and like the stubborn chick that i am,

i’ve refused to give it the space it deserves.

ouch…

so difficult to release when you keep yourself so busy

trying to keep that space occupied.

getting caught up in the system.

work. play. create.

but remember to listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFZxpYaPZeM

joan didion’s grief reminded me of my own,

one i didn’t understand 3 years ago.

There was a magnificent fear standing next to this grief,

making the sadness even more difficult to swallow.

I wasn’t grieving the death of a person.

I was grieving my youth, my carelessness & my immortality.
When I woke up on October 1st 2004 to an empty bed,

an empty bank account, a handful of fickle relationships and an HIV diagnosis,

The cloud that was my youth had been blown away by the winds of consequence,

baring the blinding light of a new reality.

I attended this funeral alone,

Having no way of understanding who I was mourning.

But now I see it was the death of a boy,

and the birth of a woman…

at the doctor’s office today

they wouldn’t accept the group plan number that my work gave me.

switching to new insurance (downgrading at that), we don’t have cards yet

just a number-

and it turns out to be one that isn’t registered.

and before i knew it, i was crying.

not because i was afraid of the impending bill,

but because i was so tired.

today - an unusual break - i just allowed myself to feel tired of it all.

the doctors, the blood work, the bills, the pills, the injections, the tests, the appointments,
the delicate balance that it’s been to keep myself in good health these past few years

just felt like too much-

on top of the fact that i turned down my 401k earlier today

because i don’t believe i’ll live to be old enough to retire.

it’s enough to make you cry (like, a lot)
if you don’t just suck it up and move on.

which i did.

i don’t have the time to pity myself-

it’s a business that would easily consume me if i did.

so, upwards and onwards.

i’ll straighten the insurance out,

my health will be fine,

we’ll all die in the end,

and i’ll have the most marvelous time until then.

Sex, Science and Savings

President Bush’s veto of Congress’s main social spending bill has Democratic leaders looking for places to make trims to satisfy the president’s sudden zeal for fiscal discipline. A small, but sensible, place to begin would be to eliminate the bill’s $28 million increase for one of Mr. Bush’s signature boondoggles — abstinence-only sex education.

Federal government spending on highly restrictive abstinence-only sex education has ballooned under President Bush, while evidence of the program’s danger as a public health strategy has continued to mount.

Last April, a Congressionally mandated evaluation found that students who received abstinence instruction in elementary and middle school were just as likely to have sex in the following years as students who did not get such instruction.

States are catching on. Last month, Virginia became the 14th state to reject federal grant money for abstinence-only sex education to pursue the comprehensive approach supported by science and most Americans. That approach encourages abstinence but also arms young people with information about sexually transmitted diseases, contraceptives and pregnancy.

Expectations that the new Democratic Congress would confront the abstinence-only hoax have proved unfounded. Instead of cutting support, or at least ditching outrageous rules that restrict information about condoms and contraception, the vetoed spending plan actually increased money for faith-based and other groups offering abstinence education programs above the wasteful $113 million allotted for the current fiscal year.

The weak link is the House. Speaker Nancy Pelosi opposes the administration’s ineffective abstinence-only approach. But she seems to have ceded the issue to Representative David Obey, the House Appropriations chairman, who continues to insist on using it as bait for Republican votes on a budget compromise. Forgoing principle failed to produce a veto-proof majority for the spending bill the first time. Ms. Pelosi needs to reconsider whether expanding a discredited sex education program should be on the rather meager list of achievements of the first Democratic Congress in a decade.

that she had been feeling the need to reach out to me

and so she offered me breath, a meditation class.

i- having a body that aches from resentment

a change brought on (which it didn’t welcome, but which it’s accepted)-

i’ve been looking for a way to make peace with my body

to let it know that its pains are temporary, and that this transition is for the better.

so i’m going to take this woman’s gift of breath

and try to listen to my own.